Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
