why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
The ass gains better be worth it
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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