Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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