god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
