you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My feet surprised me
Randomize
