do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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