dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
