went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
