operation harelip BJ is a go
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
