I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
