I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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