my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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