I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
