i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
