proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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