listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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