I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
