New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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