I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
