I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
