I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
