hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
is wine microwaveable?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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