So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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