Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
