I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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