She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
