Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Holy shit dude........stairs
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
