man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
