What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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