Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
