I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
