I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
