dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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