I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
