Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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