Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
