My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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