Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
