Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
