ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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