if you like me you must not know who I am
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
