And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
