I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
being pregnant is like rehab
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize