what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I still have a little drunk in my system
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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