I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
