I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
