I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
