do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
