does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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