I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
